05/07/10

Hello, God. I feel like I haven't talked to you for some while now, when I've been giving you little prayers throughout the day here and there. Before the first AP exam today. Before going to school. You know what? I think that the world has changed me. And yes I know that I probably don't know the word as half as well as you, and that the only part of the world I know is school. But through the media, teachers, friends, neighbors, others' blogs I learned that I just need to be myself. I once read a quote that said to be jealous of others or to try to attempt to be somebody else you're not... is to waste the person that you are. And while reading someone's blog that just popped into my head for no apparent reason. So I guess the whole reason I'm doing this is.. to get back on track with you. As well as vent to you about the world. Because sometimes I feel too overwhelmed to say anything or to even think anything in your presence. And because when i type it down on words I realize the impact of what I'm saying.

God, I feel that sometimes I'm obligated to return to you, sometimes it feels like a chore. Sometimes I just want to curl up in bed, knowing that i'll fall asleep, with a good book instead of reading the Bible and meditating on your word. But you know what? I think that praying to you in little bits during the day is helping me to not forget you wholly. Although it does feel like an obligation, I also feel that you are there to listen and console me. Talking to you comforts me. When I pray to you for help, when I pray for you to make current situations better and apologize to you for the sins I've committed, I feel this strange comfort in my heart. It feels like security. It feels like there's somebody behind my back that's going to catch me when I fall.

God, do you know the game 'Trust?' It's when two people stand at a distance from each other, one in front of the other. The person in the front closes his eyes and leans back, until the second person catches them. It's all a game about reliance, dependence. When I pray to you for comfort I feel like you're catching me, and when I'm caught I feel this huge relief that you're actually there.. and that you didn't abandon me.